As you’re starting to think about applying to colleges–or if you’re applying for something like a competitive summer program or an internship–you might be finding that you need at least one letter of recommendation. Asking for a recommendation can be daunting, as can wondering which person (or people) in your life would make good recommenders. As you’re thinking through the people who know you well enough to write a letter on your behalf, it’s important to keep in mind which options should be ruled out. Read on for our tips on who to leave off your list of potential recommenders.
Your Mom–or any other family member. While this may seem obvious, it’s worth unpacking the reasons why a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, or cousin is not an appropriate person to write you a recommendation letter. You want the people who write about your strengths–as a student, leader, employee, athlete, etc.–to have a more or less objective relationship to you personally. It’s very unlikely that a family member isn’t already somewhat biased in your favor, and the people reading your letter will know that.
Your best friend. You know that you’re great at what you do, and your bestie couldn’t agree more. If you’ve known each other for a long time and even collaborated on projects together over the years, a close friend might seem like a good choice to recommend you. But just as a family member won’t have an objective perspective on you, neither will your friend. Also, if your friend is a fellow high school student, they probably don’t have the kind of professional experience that’s necessary to effectively compare your skills with others’. (There are important exceptions to this tip: some colleges, such as Dartmouth and Davidson, ask for Peer Recommendation letters as part of their application. If you’re applying to a school that asks for a peer recommendation, by all means, ask your friend to write for you!)
A teacher, supervisor or coach who you’ve had a less-than-great experience with. Of course, leaders whom you’ve met through school or extracurricular opportunities are great candidates for writing a recommendation. But if you’re thinking of asking that teacher whose class you barely passed, or the supervisor of the summer job you quit after a week–don’t. They might turn down your request if you do ask; they probably won’t have much positive information about you to share if they were to write you a letter anyway!
Someone you don’t know very well. Say you’ve had one or two encounters with someone–in the context of a guest lecture at school or a chance meeting at an event–and you’ve found yourself looking up to this person and admiring what they do. That’s great, but it doesn’t mean this person would be a good fit to write you a recommendation. If you haven’t had substantial contact with this person, it’s not possible for them to know you well enough to write you a meaningful letter. You could, however, seek out an opportunity to work with this person on a longer-term basis (as an intern, assistant or part of a team) and seek their recommendation further down the road.
Someone you worked with a long time ago. Many of us have a teacher, coach or tutor who we worked with in middle school (or earlier) who changed our lives. If you know someone like this and you’re still in touch with them, you may be tempted to ask them for a letter of recommendation. But admissions officers or people who are considering you for opportunities want to know who you are now, not who you were as a kid. For that reason, it’s best to avoid asking someone you knew before high school.
Ruling out the above categories might leave you feeling like you only have a few options–but don’t worry! Keep in mind that your school guidance counselor and your teachers (especially those in core subjects whose classes you’ve done well in) are ideal candidates to ask for recommendations. There might also be other people in your life (your boss from a part-time job, a mentor who leads a club you belong to) who would be great folks to ask. You can also think about building the mentorship relationships you currently have with the knowledge that you may be able to ask those leaders for letters of recommendation in the future.
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